**Disclaimer: I will not be posting the details of my surgery or recovery or the method Dr. M used to perform the hysterectomy. So, it is safe to continue reading - this is rated G!
I had a hysterectomy on Wednesday, November 16. This was the final attempt to make me a healthy woman. Given my history of infertility, it is clear that my "woman parts" have not always worked in my favor. Big lesson learned, my body worked (s) in God's favor and for his glory. When I spent years cursing my body for failing me, God was using the "failure" to bring me to him, to make me lean on His understanding. Also, after losing the twins and Will surviving, I thought I surely would never have to go through a huge trial again - haven't I suffered enough. How self-righteous!! I had always said I wanted 4 children (boys to be exact). After suffering through infertility and losing two boys, surely God would use my plan to "make it up to me". Wow, just writing those words makes me cringe to think I was (am) that self-loving. Well, God in His mercy and faithfulness didn't let Will be an only child - he sent me two surprises back-to-back: one boy and one girl (remember I didn't want a girl)! Something I learned after my hysterectomy Wednesday, my doctor was so amazed I even was able to conceive Ben and Ann Phelps given the huge amount of scarring I had from endometreosis under my uterus (this is the only graphic thing, I promise). She had performed surgeries on me before to get rid of endometreosis to help me conceive more children (and just feel better), but she would never be able to get it all, thus the huge amount she found Wednesday. I learned just how special Ben and Ann Phelps are (as if I didn't know), but you know - God showed me that man can't explain His ways or His timing.
When I made the decision to completely end my season of birthing, I grieved. I didn't just grieve because I never would use the crib again or now I could finally get rid of the bouncy seat and car seat....I grieved because the thing I fought so hard to have - fertility- was once again going away- permanently. I was saying goodbye to children I had planned to have - key word "I". I am just like the Israelites, I see all the good God does for me and all the many, many times He has carried me through the valleys and yet I still second-guess Him and lose my trust in Him. My fertility story is so incredible and full of "proof" that God is in totally control and He truly has my best interest in mind, but just like the Israelites, I grumble and cry. Going through the grieving process and preparing for surgery, I really was sad Ann Phelps would be my only girl. Remember, in MY plan I would have all boys - thankfully God knew I needed a sassy girl. Watching AP grow up these last 2.5 years has made me want more girls. A hysterectomy would end that. Another lesson learned: girls are so much fun and I would love to have more!
I am blessed to be a part of an awesome Moms' Bible Study at FPJ. Over 150 women come together every Wednesday to learn more about God. These women come from 25 different churches in the metro area. God has used these women to minister to me and to bring me closer to him. I have grown so much over the last 6 years - God used this group to help me grow. These women surrounded me with love, prayers, thoughts, food, etc.. over this last month as I prepared for surgery. These women who are extremely busy themselves with their families took time to love me. Lesson learned: I truly have sisters in Christ who are there in my time of need. This is the first time I really have had my own "sisters in Christ" whom God used to show me sacrificial love on earth. Their prayers lifted me up to a point where I had such peace the hours before my surgery. I cried in the "holding room" before surgery thinking about what peace I had and how thankful I was God allowed me to feel that and know I truly did have sisters praying for me and lifting me up!!! What wonderful lesson!! I do know that not only was I lifted up by these sisters in Christ, but all of my TRUE friends who love me. So many calls, notes, facebook messages, emails, etc.. have been sent just letting me know someone was thinking about me - I really have a treasure chest of friends!! (that sounded corny) :)
Another lesson I learned: no matter how old you are, you still want your mom (and your family) when you are healing. I have always been Ms. Independent. I always prided myself in being self-reliant. Oh how God must laugh at me! I am blessed my mom took off work and is using her "free time" to nurse me. It has been so special to have this mother-daughter time with my mom- a rarity now! I am also blessed that my sister came to visit me and keep me company and she will be helping me on Thanksgiving with my kiddos. I am blessed my brother married a sweet girl who is like a sister to me and is constantly calling to see how she can help - a blessing for sure. Another lesson I learned: I really do have a good husband. He took such good care of me in the hospital. I don't know if it was motivated by guilt because he "left" me to go to the deer camp the minute my mom came in to town or if it was truly out of love. All kidding aside, God has blessed me! I have also learned that a mother-in-law who loves you and your children is like owning a rare jewel. My mother-in-law is like Mary Poppins. She can come in and "take over" right where I leave off. The kids of course love it when she comes and they are so comfortable with her. I don't have to worry - a mom who doesn't have to worry about her kids' care - now that is a true blessing!! Not only does she love my kids, she really loves me. She is always thinking of ways to make things easy on me. As I type, I know my kids are having a blast with Grandmother, Pop, and Mae Mae.
Probably one of the best lessons I learned from a hysterectomy, is God truly has my whole picture in mind when he puts certain people in my life. I don't know about hippa laws, but I will mention my doctor here: Dr. Shani Meck. Many years ago, when I decided to find an ob/gyn in Jackson I was referred by a friend to a doctor in the Eastlakeland OB/GYN group - it wasn't Dr. Meck. The doctor I wanted had a 9 month waiting list. The receptionist said that there was this new doctor that had just joined the group and she only had a two week wait. I said, "sure, put me down." Little did I know the impact Dr. Meck would have on my life and how God would use her for such good in my life. God knows me, he knows I need someone to listen to my fears, someone who won't intimidate me, someone who realizes I need reassurance (to the point that will drive a doctor crazy), and most of all, a doctor who treats me like a friend! Dr. Meck is all of the things I need and more. She has such a gift to minister straight to my heart. Her love for the Lord and her patients is amazing. No matter what crazy notion I come into her office with, she always listens and gives me comfort - I never feel "stupid"! That is rare in today's world to have a doctor who makes you feel so loved and valued. Before every procedure, Dr. Meck always prays with me - you don't see that everyday! I wish I could have recorded the prayer she prayed before my hysterectomy. It touched me and made me sad because I knew I wouldn't be seeing her as often anymore since I wouldn't be pregnant ever again. God has always used Dr. Meck to calm me no matter what the topic might be. To know that Dr. Meck is just a text away is such a valued reassurance. I love Dr. Meck and would have 10 more babies just to be under her care for as long as I can!! God knew I needed her to get me through my first birth experience - our relationship will never be just patient/doctor it was changed to friend/friend the day Will was born! I love this lesson. I will try to pay more attention to people I am reluctant to have in my life because Dr. Meck is one of those that God used to show me how much he loves me by sending me someone so wonderful!!
Ok, I have almost written a book and I have so many more lessons I am sure I learned from this trial. Right now the lesson that sticks out is: I need to stop trying to hold on to the dream I have for my life and live the life God has planned for me- one day at a time. I need to cherish the blessings God has given me and stop longing for the blessings I think he has kept from me. I will grieve for this passing season, but need to quickly stop and begin rejoicing for all God has in store for me not only here on earth but eternally (getting to hug Matthew and Harris is one I can't wait for)!!! So now that I have bored you with all of this, please say a prayer for me that I will actually learn from these lessons!!
"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;" Psalm 138:8
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 48:10
"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!" Psalm 34:8
