Right now I am sitting in a hotel room in Atlanta, Georgia...BY MYSELF!! I came to the Amazing Grace 360 Conference hosted by the PCA. I guess having 3 kids and a husband makes you do things you wouldn't 10 years earlier. I NEVER would have gone to a conference 6 hours away by myself 10 years ago!! I have had such a good time! I haven't watched or heard the TV, I have slept in a big king sized bed comfortably (no dog or husband to share it), and I have had the pleasure of eating when and where I wanted (no searching for gluten free options)!! Now, don't tell my family this - I have missed them and by Friday (I left on Thursday), I was getting a little lonely! Thankfully God knows exactly what I need and when I need it and just when I was feeling really lonely, He put my old friends from Greenwood, MS (Westminster PCA) in my path!! They have taken me back in to the group and I haven't had to sit or eat alone the whole time I have been here! What a blessing it is to visit and reconnect with such sweet friends!!
I made the choice to come by myself because I so badly wanted to hear the speaker. Nancy Gutherie has written several books on suffering and hope. She has written other books, but her book Holding on to Hope was used by God to bring a huge change in my life. Nancy has buried two infants so I can relate to her. God was so good to me (always) right after Will was born, He didn't let me really grieve right then because He knew I needed to take care of my little 2lb. baby boy. Being a new mom with a baby in the NICU was stressful enough without working through tremendous grief. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but I didn't truly grieve until Will was about 6 months old. That was in 2006 and boy did I think my world was crashing. Up until the loss of my boys, I had never been through BIG grief. Also, I thought my relationship with Christ was "perfect" and I was the good Christian girl who was rocking along in my own personal "perfect life'! When you go through suffering, you pray that on the other side of it, God will use it for good and His glory. That had always been my prayer, but I really expected it to be immediate. I wanted to justify my suffering quickly. I didn't want it to take years. First of all, God doesn't "owe" me reasons or explanations. But when you have a seemingly "perfect" trek in life, you don't expect anything to be tough. I can stop right here and with great gratitude to my Heavenly Father, tell you that 6 years later I can say "thank you" to Him for this suffering. Because even though it has taken me 6 years, my relationship with Him has grown tremendously. I am not like the old me - He has made me a new Christian through my suffering. I needed this suffering to bring me truly to Him.
Back to 2006- here I am going through a whirlwind of tough emotions, and our MOMS Bible study is set to study the book of Job using the Holding on to Hope book as a reference. Not only did God use this study to open my eyes and heart, He used it to heal me. Shirley Windham (a fabulous Christian teacher and friend and mentor) was the teacher that semester and God used her humbleness to reach me. She has such a gift for being so real when she teaches - she has the gift of making you feel loved and comforted when she teaches. So I was doubly blessed with a great book and teacher. Everything Nancy wrote in her book spoke straight to me. Until I read her book, I felt like no one on earth could even understand what I was feeling. She did. I was even ashamed of my feelings. I was ashamed that I was angry with God, that He didn't follow MY plan (because my way was better, right), I doubted His love for me, I wanted to run from church, I didn't even want to live anymore. I was so selfish that I prayed for Him to just take me so I wouldn't have to deal with the grief and struggles anymore. How selfish! How thankful I am He is my life planner!!!!!!! He kept me here to bring me to Him, closer and in a more personal way than I had ever felt before!!!! I now believe with my whole heart that Matthew and Harris were never meant to be MY earthly babies - they were the angels God used to transform their mom- even though they never took a breath on earth, they were used by God to open my eyes so that I could see my deep, deep need for God's grace!!! Their short existence in my life has brought so much good and everyday God has allowed me to see a little more of the good in different areas! God will never "owe" me an answer of why he chose to give me that first kind of birth experience, but how merciful he is to allow me to witness the good that has come from it!!!!
This conference has been a huge blessing because once again God used Nancy to bring me closer to him! She not only has the great gift of writing, she is a great speaker. Like Shirley, she has the gift to teach in a way that makes you feel so loved and comforted! As I sit here and type, I don't want to go home. Don't get me wrong, I miss my babies and hubby, but being in the presence of 2000 women who love the Lord and want to draw nearer to Him is, to me, a little taste of what Heaven must be like!!! A little taste of what eternity will be- praising God and feeling nothing but love and comfort. AMAZING GRACE - glory be to my Great Father!!!
2 comments:
Beautifully written Beth & from the heart.As I read & tears came 2 my eyes I totally understand the depth of everything u wrote & understand as u do what strength u gain from losing a child.It's the most painful/tragic/sad thing anyone can ever experience,but God has a way of using something so painful 4 His Good & I too have found that my faith & love for God grew more & more with each painful step I took in grieving 4 Jeffrey.Don't get me wrong I still have my good days & bad but more good than bad now & I always feel the love & prayers of so many coming my way.
I could write so much more, but God does put the right people in place for us.The prayers of so many, God's love & mercy, a loving church & community & loving family, friends & strangers who prayed & continue to pray 4 us during our darkest moments-all these things equal God's love 4 us & how he does things that sometimes we never understand & then other times as we look back, we begin to see that God was always there right beside us, we just didn't realize that was God's love there all along.He never leaves us, He never sleeps, He is with us 24/7 & what a blessing 2 know that God loves us so much & sacrificed His Only Son 2 die on the cross & shed his blood 4 us so that we might have eternal life. By Believing that Jesus died on the cross 4 our sins & accepting him as our Lord & Saviour it gives us the assurance that we will spend eternity in heaven with our Heavenly Father and the peace & knowledge that one day when we depart from this earth we will see Jeffrey, Matthew, Harris, Uncle Kevin, Grandmother Daves, Granddaddy Daves, my daddy, grandmother,& everyone we knew & loved who were Christians again and what a celebration that will be.
I am so glad u had the opportunity 2 go 2 Atlanta 2 this conference.So glad it blessed your heart & u received a blessing from all the activities & speakers present @ the conference.It was a great outing 4 you & blessed u in more ways than you'll ever know.So glad u got 2 reunite with your friends from Greenwood Westminster (PCA).
I attended a Griefshare Meeting @ Westminster today 4 all the leaders who will be participating in the new Griefshare which will begin in January 2012. I've attended quite a few of these since Jeffrey died probably 7 or 8 at least that I know of & they r wonderful sessions. I can't stress them enough 4 anyone who has lost a child, spouse, parent, sibling, grandparent, or close dear friend. They have helped James & me tremendously through the grief process & I think they r so helpful because u interact with people who know exactly the pain u r experiencing because everyone in your class has lost a child & they know that kind of pain & sadness. We will have a special session on November 15th entitled "Surviving the Holidays" which is just 1 session then in January the classes will go for 13 weeks & the sharing is so helpful among 1 another. We become a family of 1 & reach out 2 help 1 another.This time they want me 2 lead the group who have lost children. I pray that God will use me in a most powerful way 2 reach out 2 those who have lost children & hopefully I can convey 2 them how much I feel their pain because I 2 have lived it as well.I'm not a teacher-not sure that is my calling but hopefully I will be able 2 be used for God's glory if that is what he is asking of me. I desperately want 2 help others who are hurting. Westminster has been so kind to host the event the past 3 years & we'll be having it there again in January. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AS I TAKE ON THIS BIG RESPONSIBILITY. PRAYING it will be a blessing to God what comes from this Griefshare program. Praying God uses all of us to His Glory.
This is just my 3rd or 4th time to write this same message again. I am so disgusted that I have lost count my now. Obviously there is something bad wrong with this picture!!!!I am obviously doing something terribly wrong. I'm trying one more time.
Are you bringing the kids to Greenwood to trick or treat. I wanted to be sure & get them the candy that they all like & can have. I thought Gail might bring them over so we could see them in their costumes & take some photos. We absolutely love our photo card for Halloween that you sent us. It is just adorable. Beth, you are always so sweet & thoughtful to remember us all the time & we love getting them & showing them off. We keep them on our bar in the kitchen for all to see who come by. Since we can't post them on the stainless steel frig, this is what I'm doing now. All of the photos are so cute. You capture them in the cutest poses.
James & I will be working at the Halloween Fall Harvest Carnival at North Greenwood Baptist Church on Halloween night. Don't know the time yet, but we know the kids would have a blast at the carnival. They have lots of fun games & activities for the kids & lots of fun prizes & candy. I know they would have a good time. Just thought I would let you know ahead of time in case you were in Greenwood. I think it begins at 5:30PM & that' a great way for them to have fun, get prizes & be safe as well. They have always had a big turnout every year.
I always enjoy reading your blogs Beth. They are always so comical, funny & tell the cutest stories. You have a talent for writing, teaching, photography, & being a great mom for sure. God trully blessed you in those departments. The kids are going to love reading all of this one day & it will mean the world to them as they grow older. It should come in handy when they begin writing papers for school as they will have all this valuable info to research & get so many cute things to write about on themselves. Keep up the good work. You're doing a fine job.
Give our love, hugs, kisses & much more to Will, Ben, Ap & of course Our Sweet Rhyne & sweet you. We love all of you so much & appreciate your sweet & thoughtful ways of remembering us. We love the photos & cute pictures. Be sure & tell the kids we love our photo card & hope to see them real soon. Hope you have a great Fall Season. Praying this will publish this time. This is the 4th time I've written this. I wrote it the 1st time at 1:30AM this morning & just gave up & went on to bed & tried again today with bad results as well. Dont'know what I did wrong, but something obviously. Once it told me it was too long-can you believe that of me?????Do tell. Love ya. Aunt Kay & Uncle James
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